------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Networked Christmas Story --- by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac). When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name; "Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel; "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal! "Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!" The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM, Then into my room rose a full hologram! He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose). He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack! His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know! With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke. He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM, Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim! He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo! He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken! My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape. The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros! He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink. But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A (Programmers) Christmas Story Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care, knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter! And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a super programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. 'On update! On add! On inquiry! On delete! On batch jobs! On closing! On functions complete!' His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean from weekends and nights in front of the screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk, and laying his finger on the 'ENTER' key, the system came up and worked perfectly! The updates updated, the deletes they deleted, the inquiries inquired, and the closing completed. He tested each whistle, and tested each bell with nary an abend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded. The client's last changes were even included!! And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, 'It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want!' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Aussie Christmas Carol 'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound. Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around. We'd left on the table some tucker and beer, Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here; We children were snuggled up safe in our beds, While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads; And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts, Had just settled down to watch TV sports. When outside the house a mad ruckus arose; Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze. We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out, Snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout. Guess what had woken us up from our snooze, But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos. The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee, And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be. Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di, Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky. Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins, And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names. 'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane! On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne! Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink, I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!' So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew, With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too. He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground, Then in through the window he sprang with a bound. He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard. A jolly old joker was how he appeared. He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet, And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat. His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled! And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled! His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly. A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back, And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack. He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee, To position our goodies beneath the yule tree. Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two. And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque. A mysterious package he left for our Mum, Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue; Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through. He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates- MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Twelve Bugs of Christmas For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Christmas poem 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ten Family Games for the Christmas Period Finding difficulty in amusing your family over the extended holiday? Try playing some of these simple well-known games! 1. Musical Chairs. Without telling the occupants, all the Relatives agree to visit a Household on the same day. They arrive in groups of no more than four at intervals of ten to thirty minutes. The Head of the Household must find a chair for each Relative over the age of 21. If he runs out of chairs, the Relatives win; if he seats all the Relatives, he wins. NOTE that the Head of the Household will never have a chair for himself. Variation: Friends arrive one evening and the Head of Household has to provide them all with a drink. He loses if (a) he runs out of drink; or (b) he runs out of glasses. He wins if he runs out of Friends. 2. Dead Lions. After Christmas Dinner, all the adults watch the Queens Speech and then attempt to have a doze in an armchair. All the children in the house then retrieve their noisiest Christmas Presents and use them. The Children win if the adults put a video tape on, the adults win if the children fail to keep the adults awake. 3. Pass The Parcel All the Relatives give the Head of the Household a different coloured pair of socks as his Christmas Present. On opening them, he must make a completely DIFFERENT complimentary remark for each pair of socks. He loses if he runs out of remarks, repeats himself or offends a Relative. To get you started here are some complimentary remarks:- "Just what I wanted" "These will be useful" "Oh look, dear, I have a tie that exactly matches these socks" "These will go well with my blue/grey/brown suit" (Can only be used once) Variation: On boxing day, the Head of the Household wears a favourite pair of old socks. He visits each relative and gives a different excuse for not wearing the pair they gave him. 4. Battleships On Christmas Day, The Head of the Household goes down the pub at 12.00, agreeing with the Lady of the Household a return time and telling her the name of the pub. He then goes to a completely different pub. Half an hour after the return time, the Lady of the Household has to guess which pub he is in and phone him to get him home. The Head of the Household wins if the Lady cannot find him before closing time. The Lady of the Household wins if she finds him Before the dinner is ruined. Variation: The Head of the Household returns Half an Hour after the agreed time, in a disorderly state. He must then attempt to give a series of totally implausible excuses for his late arrival. He loses if he runs out of excuses, repeats himself, uses a plausible excuse (ie "the car broke down") or the Atmosphere becomes too Frosty. 5. Hunt The Corkscrew & Nutcrackers Before Christmas Eve, the Head of the Household searches for, and finds, the corkscrew and the nutcrackers. Before Christmas Day, somebody hides both. After carving the Turkey, the Head of the Household must search for the corkscrew. He loses if anybody finishes their Turkey before he finds it. After the pudding (& optional cheese course), the Lady of the Household produces the nuts. The Head of the Household must then find the Nutcrackers before the Queen's Speech. Variation: If there are no Children in the Household, this variation may be played instead of the popular "Dead Lions" game outlined earlier. The nuts are produced after the Queen's speech. The Head of the Household must then noisily search for the Nutcrackers. He wins if somebody finds them for him and loses if anybody dozes off in an armchair. 6. Turkey From Boxing Day onwards, the Lady of the Household must produce a different Dish each day (as a Main Meal) whose principal ingredient is Turkey. She loses if she repeats a Dish and wins if she runs out of Turkey. (NOTE: Freezers must NOT be used in this game.) 7. Bugger My Neighbour On Boxing Day all the Children of the neighbourhood meet and compare their Christmas Presents. The Head of the Household loses if any of his Children come home crying. 8. Hide and Seek At least two weeks before Christmas Day, the Head and Lady of the Household buy one or more large presents for their child(ren) - such as a bicycle. They then have to secrete the article somewhere on the property without the Children finding it. Disqualifications are awarded for the use of the Loft Space or Neighbours Garages. 9. Pin The Tail On The Dog/Cat The Head of the Household and his Lady invite some Friends or Relatives, who have an Obnoxious Child, to Tea on Boxing Day. The Parents of the Obnoxious Child must then distract the attention of the Head and Lady of the Household while the Obnoxious Child pulls the tail of the Dog/Cat. The Head and Lady lose if the Child gets bitten/scratched. 10. The Armchair Debate In the Lounge of the House, the Head of the Household places one Comfortable Armchair and any number of Hard Seats. After Christmas Dinner, the Adults present must give a good reason for being the One To Use The Comfy Chair. The winner is the Adult to gain a majority agreement for them to use it. Variation (for Children): All of the Children between the ages of 8 and 14 must give a different reason why they should not wash up the utensils from the Christmas Dinner. The one with the poorest excuse loses. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------